Ficlets from Tumblr
by fezwearingjellybananas
Summary: A series of unrelated drabbles that have occurred centring around the Avengers and Agents of SHIELD.
1. Languages of the Avengers

When Sam entered Avengers Towers, he expected to hear American. Instead, he heard Natasha yelling at Hawkeye in Russian while he made hand gestures back. Sam realised he was using American Sign Language.

Steve showed him around, first showing him the upstairs living quarters where Thor was speaking conversing in Norwegian with Doctor Slevig.

Downstairs, Tony Stark waved, signalling he was talking to someone in rapid French.

Doctor Banner was also talking to someone, this time in person, a small child to which Steve shrugged on the appearance, but it looked like he was helping her. He turned to her mother, explaining what was happening, but Sam didn't know what he was saying because he was speaking Spanish.

Then there was Steve. When the tour was up and everyone was settled down for dinner, Clint and Tony started a food fight. Natasha stopped it with a look and Steve muttered under his breath, probably something about childish behaviour, but Sam couldn't understand him.

"What language is that?"

"Pardon?"

"The language you were muttering in."

"Irish. My mam used to use it at home."

Sam nodded, continuing with dinner.

It looked like being bilingual was essential to being an Avenger.

* * *

><p><em>Based off:Steve Rogers is actually bilingual. With his parents being Irish immigrants, he was able to pick up Irish-Gaelic from his mother growing up, only able to hear and speak it around their home. Even now with the Avengers, he doesn't really speak it, save to mumble it under his breath to get away with letting out a curse or complaint with the others being none the wiser. To still get to hear it with the power of youtube and speak it to himself, it's like a familiar comfort and homage to his heritage (Bland Marvel Headcanons)<em>

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: Basically, this is a collection of all of the drabbles that turn up when things appear in my head related to Avengers and Agents of SHIELD. They've all been posted on tumblr, but I thought I'd stick them in one place. As they continue to appear, I'll add them here as well.<strong>

**There won't be regular updating to this story, I do apologise for that, it's all very random and none of these chapters are related.**

**Now to just scroll through everything and find everything (this is why tagging helps, but I think I missed a few)**

**Also, I think 99% of these are from Bland Marvel Headcanons. Blandness may occur. And kudos to the people that come up with the headcanons.**


	2. Bird Puns

"Sam Wilson, Clint Barton."

"Nice to meet you."

"It's a pleasure.I'm Hawkeye."

"Falcon."

"Well, birds of a feather, both of us have bird names, we're practically brothers."

"This meeting turned out better than expected. Steve said I should probably prepare myself, but I thought it would easier to wing it."

"Prepare yourself? Did I say that?"

"Well, we'll just have to tweet how well this meeting's going."

"Clint, you don't even have a Twitter account, what kind of spy uses social media? Think of a better one."

"Almost couldn't make it, I've been a little under the weather, but I've had some tweetment."

"What? Sam, when were you ill? What is going on?"

"I have a very strong imune system. Lost my voice once, but I didn't really give a hoot."

"Oh, that one was bad, should by Ill-eagle."

"So, I hear you helped these two lovebirds defeat HYDRA."

"It was one undercover kiss, it wasn't like I wanted to kiss her. It was entirely Natasha's idea, just to draw attention away from us."

"Yeah. Attacking from the undercover. Fowl play or what?"

"Right, that's enough you two."

"Oh, come on Nat, one more tern."

"Why did we decide to introduce you two?" Steve asked.

"Because it as a great idea," Sam said, grinning at Clint.

"No, it really wasn't. Those were awful. Truly, truly terrible."

"And now you know why I didn't call Clint for help Steve," Natasha said. "It's Clint, it can only end in puns. This way it just avoided puns while we were busy."

"Nat, I'm hurt you think so badly of me. I would have taken thing seriously. You know, while HYDRA were attacking. Then it would have just been puns, yes."

"And there is nothing wrong with that," Sam said. "Same time tomorrow?"

"How about a rousing dawn chorus? No, that one was awful."

"Terrible. Think we can find any that worse?"

"Defiantly."

"I'm going to regret this, aren't I?" Steve said.

"I did try to warn you Cap," Natasha said.

"What do you mean you're going to regret this?" Clint asked. "You mean you don't already? We're going to have to do something about that my feathered friend."

"Indeed we will my nest buddy. Indeed we will."

* * *

><p><em>Based off: Steve immediately regretted introducing Sam and Clint when they decided they were only going to communicate with bird puns. Natasha tried to warn him, there was a reason she hadn't called him when they took down HYDRA. It was Clint, it could only end in puns. Terrible puns. (Bland Marvel Headcanons)<em>


	3. Agents of Whovians

"Quick, in here, now."

"Fitz, what are you doing?"

"Jemma, is there enough space behind the sofa?"

"Of course there is Fitz. Cushions and blankets as well."

"Fantastic."

"You brought everyone?"

"I did."

"Ten minutes till it starts."

"Simmons, are you wearing a fez?"

"Why, yes Skye. Yes I am."

"Why?"

"I wear a fez now. Fezzes are cool." Fitz and Simmons high fived.

"What are you two doing?" Coulson asked. "And Fitz, what on Earth are they?"

"Fish Fingers and custard. Proper ones too, We made sure we had enough custard powder when we stopped off in Britain a few months ago. Come on, everyone sit."

"What for?" Trip asked.

"Doctor Who," Simmons said.

"Doctor What?" Coulson asked.

"No sir, Doctor Who. Oh, it's brilliant. Everyone ends up behind the sofa, but it's fantastic. Would you like a Jelly Baby?"

"Perhaps some celery?"

"Is this some strange British custom?" May asked.

"Actually, it's popular worldwide now, did you not see the Fiftieth? It was in cinemas and everything," Simmons said. "Fitz and I went to watch it in cosplay. I was Eleven, he was Nine."

"Got to love Nine."

"Nine? Eleven?" Trip asked. "Those are some weird names."

"Well, technically he's just called the Doctor," Simmons explained.

"But there are different incarnations of him as he regenerates instead of dies," Fitz continued.

"So we tend to refer to them by number. There's One through to Eleven, also the War Doctor, who was a very recent addition, last November. Oh, that was a good episode. Gallifrey."

"I know Simmons. But tonight's the first episode of the new Doctor, Peter Capaldi, who's Twelve. And it's so exciting because it's a new Doctor and a new start and it's going to be brilliant."

"I do hope they start getting clues about how to get Gallifrey back this series. Wouldn't that be fantastic, to have other Time Lords again. Perhaps they could reintroduce Romana?"

"Quick Simmons, it's starting!"

The two Brits jumped down. Skye, Trip, Coulson and May joined them.

The episode played through, Fitz and Simmons jumping for joy as it ended.

"He's going to be so good."

"The dinosaur."

"I know, that was so sad. At least we had Strax humour to make up for it."

"That cameo though, I almost started crying."

"So many parallels with other episodes."

"Madame de Pompadour."

"I know. And who is that?"

"She's got to be a Time Lord."

"Missy, could be short for Mistress."

"Fitz, she's not the Master."

"She could be."

"She could be an alternate version of River Song."

"She seems too sinister to be River, no, River died in the library, it's not River. It could be Tasha Lem."

"I doubt it. What about the Rani, she could be the Rani."

"Or she could be someone completely new."

"We won't find out till the last episodes of the series, will we?"

"No. Moffat does love keeping us guessing."

"A lizard woman and a human were kissing," Trip said. "Is that normal?"

"Oh, Vastra and Jenny?" Simmons said. "They're married, been established for quite a while now. And she's a Silurian."

"And there was a talking potato?" Coulson asked.

"Strax," Fitz said. "Sontaran. Most of them are bad, Strax is good."

"And a dinosaur," Skye said.

"Yes, that was unexpected, wasn't it?" Simmons asked. "But such a sad end."

"Plus a time travelling box," May said.

"The TARDIS. She travels through time and space and she's disguised as a police box from 1963. Jemma. Pudding brains."

"I know. Same time next week all of you."

"I think we'll pass," Skye said. "That was just weird."

"But there's Daleks next week," Fitz protested. "You have to see the Daleks."

"What are Daleks?" May asked.

"Pepper Pots of Doom. Wait, not that Pepper Potts, actual Pepper Pots. They're wheelie bins with plungers and a whisk."

"Fitz, you're not making them sound scary enough. Daleks are terrifying."

"Exterminate. Exterminate."

"You'll all just have to watch next week and find out. Oh, it was Daleks that had me behind the sofa."

"Daleks have everyone behind the sofa."

"Next week then," Coulson said. "Just to stop you two going on and on."

"They loved it," Fitz said after everyone had gone.

"Yep."

* * *

><p><em>Based off: Jemma and Fitz make Coulson, Skye, and Mae watch Doctor Who Saturday nights. They all pretend they hate it, but in reality they can hardly wait for the newest episodes. (Bland Marvel Headcanons)<em>


	4. Clint the Questioner

"Everyone, this is my friend, James Buchanan Barnes. Most people call him Bucky though."

"Hi. Natasha Romanoff."

"Greetings. It as an honour to meet a friend of Captain Rogers. I am Thor."

"Sam Wilson."

"Bruce Banner. Nice to meet you."

"Tony Stark?"

"Like Howard?"

"He was my dad."

"Oh."

"I'm Clinton Barton. But most people call me Clint. Or Hawkeye. Whichever you want."

Bucky cocked his head, unsure of what Clint meant. He simply smiled back.

* * *

><p>Bucky was confused by the young archer. All of Steve's friends were civil towards him, even Tony Stark, who Bucky thought would be cross with him for playing a part in his father's death.<p>

But Clint just seemed odd. He asked all these strange questions all the time.

"Do you prefer red or blue?"

"I was looking at a cat shelter the other day, just thinking. Prefer dogs myself. I could name a dog, but not a cat I don't think. What would you name a cat?"

"Orange or apple juice? Tony wants me to order the shopping."

"What are your favourite Oreos?"

"Grape or jelly?"

"James or Bucky?"

"So, do you prefer the 1940s or now?"

It was a while before Bucky cornered him.

It was the middle of the night and Bucky couldn't sleep, so he headed down to the kitchen. Clint was in there as well.

"Fancy a midnight snack? I've got cookies."

"Why do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Ask so many questions."

"Because I know what it's like."

"What what's like?"

"Steve told you about Loki and the Chitauri, yes?"

"Yes."

"Loki had me under some kind of mind control. I did things I regret, killed good men, friends. But it wasn't my choice. It was Loki. It took me a while, but eventually, I realised that it wasn't my fault. Nat talked me round. But I kept panicking that he was going to take control of my mind again and the way I got over that was by always having a choice. I kept made sure I always had two types of juice, two different places to sit, always a choice. And that helped. Because it meant I knew that I was in control of my mind."

"So why do you ask me these questions?"

"Because you were brainwashed by HYDRA and they took away your choice. You feel like you were responsible for all the deaths, deaths of your friends as well, and you're not. And you don't believe that you're not because you remember doing it. So, you need a choice of things. It'll help you realise that those things weren't your fault because you didn't have a choice. HYDRA made you do them. And you worry that you're going to revert back to the programming they did and try and kill Steve, forget all of this. That's why I ask you questions. Because sometimes you might just need reminding that you're James Buchanan Barnes instead of the Winter Soldier."

"Bucky. Everyone always calls me Bucky."

"Which do you prefer? James or Bucky?"

He thought for a minute.

"Bucky."

"Well then Bucky. Chocolate or raisin?"

* * *

><p><em>Based off: Even though Steve is his rock, it's Clint who really helps bring Bucky back. He understands losing your mind to someone else, and all the fear and guilt and paranoia that comes with it. He knows how to help Bucky deal with it all. One thing he has Bucky do is make decisions and have opinions. little things like "red or blue?" "What would you name a cat?" "Grape or jelly?" To remind him that he is in control of his own mind.<em>


	5. Steve's Tea

"Coffee Steve?"

"I think I'll have a tea actually Tony, if that's all right."

"We have tea?"

"Pepper bought tea," Bruce said. "There's some herbal ones and plain ones."

"Plain please. Milk, no sugar."

"Why do you drink tea?" Tony asked, making a face.

"We all did. Peggy insisted we at least try it. Howard had a sip and made exactly the same face you're making now. I quite liked it."

"Milk?"

"She always said it was better when we could get milk. But no sugar. That was her favourite. Bucky drank it black. I don't think he actually liked it though, it just tasted better than mud. Bucky wasn't fussy. Peggy wasn't either, but that's the way she liked it. Howard used to joke he only liked tea when it was made from coffee beans. You're a bit like him in that way."

"So you drink the same tea as Peggy does," Tony asked. "The two of you often share a drink?"

"When she could get a pot, yes. And we used to have fondue with Howard."

"Fondue?"

Bruce passed Steve a mug and he took a sip. Not the same as Peggy's, but still pretty good.

"Thanks. Yes Tony, fondue. It's just bread and cheese."

* * *

><p><em>Based off: Steve drinks tea, it's a hangover of his time in Europe, particularly with Peggy. Milk, no sugar. Same as her. (Bland Marvel Headcanons)<em>

* * *

><p><strong>(Last chapter was also from Bland Marvel Headcanons, I think I forgot to put that.)<strong>


	6. Mini Bus and Hydration

Grant Ward was not the best janitor in the world. But if was the only way to prove he wanted to be good again, he was going to do it. So when he was washing the inside of the windows on the Bus and he slipped over a wet patch, spilling the rest of the water onto a plane sitting on Coulson's desk (a model of the Bus, really?) neither Grant nor Skye (who had been watching him just in case) were really surprised.

They were slightly more surprised by the man that seemed to grow until he was stood on Coulson's desk.

"Er, hi?" he said.

"Skye, you get Coulson," Grant said, stepping in between the two of them.

"You're not armed," she argued, "Wouldn't it make more sense for me to stay and you to find Coulson?"

"I could find Coulson," the man said. "The model's very accurate, I know where everything is. Tony made it, Director Fury let him check everything was the highest quality possible before giving the Bus to Phil. He's not supposed to know he's alive, but I told them anyway. I think that's why Fury put Nat on Steve watch and me on Phil watch. Have you any idea how hard it is to get food without anyone noticing?"

"Who are you?" Skye asked.

Just at that moment Coulson walked in and answered Skye's question.

"Clint?"

"Hi Phil."

"How did you get here?"

"He appeared sir, I accidently spilt water on the Bus."

"He hydrated me. Get it, because he was-"

"You appeared? Where were you before?"

"Oh, I've been living on Mini Bus since the beginning, Nick wanted me to keep an eye on you. And I think I was chosen because I may have told the other Avengers that you're alive because being shrunk down and living on a model plane isn't the most comfortable experience. On the bright side, if you don't shrink the food a slice of pizza can last about six meals. That's at least two days. And if you do shrink the pizza down, Tony always dropped in with several boxes so there was still plenty."

"Stark's been here?"

"Yeah, everyone's been tiny little bit using the Mini Bus to hide from bad guys. Think everyone's been. Tiny Hulk would be the cutest thing ever, except I was still tiny, so he still looked big to me. He's really sweet though, when he's not angry."

"The Avengers have been dropping in and out of my office to hide from bad guys, shrunk down, and living in a model plane."

"Yep."

"Just when I thought life couldn't get any weirder. Did anyone know?"

"Well, if anyone did they didn't bring me food. I think it was just Nick and the Avengers. Unless Nick didn't and it was Nat's idea. Tony built the model Bus but Nick stuck it on the real Bus. Either way, I had to rely on visiting Avengers for food."

"You're hungry, aren't you?"

"You know me so well."

"Fitz and you are going to eat me out of plane and home."

"Wait, if you were here when Garrett took our plane, why didn't you do anything?" Skye asked.

"Because I was half an inch tall and couldn't get off the desk. I managed to tell Nick you lot might need him though. Well, I told Steve, who told Natasha, who told Tony who asked Bruce what they should do, who advised Tony to tell Maria, who told Nick, who picked up Fitz and Simmons signal but had remembered to bring the Destroyer thing. Also Thor's living with Jane Foster if you need him, he's visited a few times too."

"So, you've been living on a model of our plane inside our plane and haven't been any help at all because you were too short to get off the desk," Grant summerised.

"That about sums it up."

"It's SHIELD Ward," Phil said. "Nothing is normal, particularly not when Hawkeye's involved. Just, maybe, try not to spill water on things in the future. We don't want you hydrating anyone else."

"Yes sir."

* * *

><p><em>Based off: <em>

_anonymous said:_

_The reason no one's seen Hawkeye since the Avengers is because he's been shrunk down and living on Mini Bus, checking on Coulson. He's only discovered when Ward accidently hydrates him back up to full size while cleaning as part of his reformation._

_agents-of-frickle-frackle answered:_

_imagine if all of the avengers hung out in the mini bus tho_

_like to hide from bad guys_

_and_

_also_

_GRANT WARD THE JANITOR_

_IM CRYING?_

_(agents-of-frickle-frackle)_

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: Hey look, it's not Bland Marvel Headcanons and everyone who hasn't already should definitely look up agents-of-fickle-frackle because she's amazing and the jokes on there are brilliant.<strong>


	7. The Fire Alarm

"Er, Bruce?"

"Yeah Tony?"

"Is that supposed to be glowing?"

"No."

"What about smoking?"

"Probably not."

"It's on fire, isn't it?"

"Yeah."

"Oh."

"Woops."

At that moment the alarms proceeded to go off and the two of them ran out the lab.

"What's going on?" Steve asked as the Avengers gathered outside.

"Bruce and I kind of maybe tiny bit set the lab on fire. Dummy, You and Butterfingers are still in there."

"Tony, the robots will be fine," Bruce said.

"Where's Clint?" Natasha asked.

"He mentioned having a shower after he returned from his mission," Thor said. "He should be down shortly."

"He's in the shower?"

"That is what he said."

"He's still inside."

"Clint, Dummy, Butterfingers and You are all in there?"

"Tony, priorities."

"My babies. Jarvis, I need the suit."

"Sir, Dummy would like me to inform you that he has managed to put out the fire with the fire extinguisher."

"Jarvis, it's safe inside?" Bruce asked.

"It is Doctor Banner, Dummy extinguished the fire shortly after you and Sir left the lab."

"We need to find Clint."

The Avengers all ran upstairs to his room, where they heard an actually quite good voice coming from the shower. Steve knocked down the door, something which Clint seemed to ignore.

"Clint?" he asked. "Are you okay?" Still nothing. Natasha tapped him and an incredibly high pitched shriek was heard as he turned around, grabbing a towel to cover as much of himself as possible. "There was a fire alarm? The tower was on fire?"

"What?"

"Tony and Bruce set fire to the lab."

"It was an accident," Tony protested. "And Dummy saved us. You sing pretty well."

"I can't hear you."

"We're right here."

"I still can't hear you. I'm deaf. I can't hear anything with my hearing aids."

"What?" Steve asked.

"Do you think we could have this conversation when I'm not naked in the shower?"

"Right, yeah. Everyone out."

"None of you have a spare towel do you?"

"I'll get one," Natasha said.

When Clint was dressed the Avengers gathered in the kitchen, Tony bringing up Dummy (and You and Butterfingers), who had been crowned hero of the hour, something he seemed very happy about.

"Explanations," Tony said. "You almost died. If it wasn't for Dummy here, you would be dead."

"Thank you very much Dummy." The robot patted him on the head. "I have 80% hearing loss from an explosion when I was younger. So I wear hearing aids. Took them out to have a shower, didn't hear the alarm."

"We thought you were going to die."

"You were more worried about your robots," Natasha said. "If the tower had burnt down, that would be who you were sad about losing."

"I was going to get the suit and save him."

"Is that before or after you had saved Dummy, Butterfingers and You?"

"Probably first. He needs oxygen. How come you didn't tell us?"

"It doesn't really crop in conversation. I was going to. It was just a matter of finding the right words or waiting for one of you to notice the hearing aids or the fact that I don't always hear what you're saying."

"I am building you a vibrating thing for your bed and shower so next time we set something on fire you actually work out there's things on fire."

"I would have smelt it before it got to the room, then I could have jumped out the window."

"With no clothes on," Natasha pointed out.

"It wouldn't be the first time."

"I don't know what to say to that," Bruce said. "Do you regularly jump out windows naked?"

"Not regularly."

"Well, we're glad you're all right," Steve said. "As to next time these two set the tower on fire, let's hope it doesn't happen again, shall we Tony, Bruce?"

"Yes Steve."

"Yes Steve."

"Good."

"At least if it does we've got Dummy to save everyone."

* * *

><p><em>Based off: No one knew Clint was deaf, not until they'd been living in the Tower for a few weeks and Tony and Bruce accidently set the lab on fire. Thanks to Dummy's quick skills with fire extinguisher it didn't spread, but it still set the alarms off. Clint was the only one that didn't respond, they found him in the shower, completely oblivious to their presence until Natasha tapped him on the shoulder. The result was the most undignified shriek ever followed by an explanation. (Bland Marvel Headcanons)<em>


	8. Skye Barton

"And this is Skye, our newest agent and SHIELD's resident hacker."

"Just Skye?" Clint asked Coulson.

"Just Skye."

"Well, Just Skye, it's nice to meet you."

"And you Agent Barton. Erm… Wow. You're Hawkeye. I saw you at New York, what you did it was, er, pretty cool."

"Melinda May's your S.O.?"

"Yeah."

"Done weapons training?"

"Yes."

"Ever used a bow?"

"No."

"Then you haven't done weapons training. Come on."

Coulson found them three hours later, laughing together, in the range. Skye went to join Trip while Clint came over.

"Can I keep her?"

"No."

"Please?"

"She's my agent, you can't keep her."

"Fine."

* * *

><p>Clint spent the next few days at the SHIELD base, spending most of his time with the younger agents, probably corrupting them. The fact Barton hadn't caused any trouble yet was the most surprising thing to Coulson, although he expected that had something to do with a certain Barbara Morse being present.<p>

* * *

><p>It was a few weeks later and Barton was with Coulson while some of the others went on a mission (he was too recognisable after New York, Coulson argued. Barton pouted, but agreed to stay back and let Skye, Hunter, May and Trip handle it). Skye was in the room with the HYDRA agents, Trip and Hunter positioned as snipers while May was waiting for a signal that Skye needed help. The listening devices were operational It should be an easy mission.<p>

_"You're SHIELD." _

_"Yep. Sorry, didn't introduce myself. Agent Skye Barton. SHIELD."_

Barton (Clint) stuck his tongue out at Coulson.

"I said you couldn't keep her."

"But you didn't say I couldn't adopt her in a little sister way."

It was a look of pride that appeared on Clint's face as they listened to the sounds of the mission going off without a hitch.

* * *

><p><em>Based off: Clint adopts Skye as his younger sister when they meet. He said it was one of the greatest feelings ever to hear her introduce herself as Skye Barton. (Bland Marvel Headcanons)<em>


	9. Thor and the Toaster

"What is this foul contraption?"

"That would be the toaster Thor."

"It has stolen your bread."

"No it hasn't."

"Ahh!" Thor pointed his hammer at it as the toast popped up again. "What are you creature?"

"It makes toast. It's fine. It's supposed to do that."

Tony left him making faces at it, going to find something to cover his toast with.

* * *

><p>"Is it magic?"<p>

"No, it's a car."

"A car."

"It's a horseless carriage."

"But then how does it run?"

"With an engine, under here."

"So it is magic."

"No, it's simple mechanics."

"Magic."

"Fine."

* * *

><p>"The tiny people, they are trapped inside that box Friend Stark, we must rescue them!"<p>

"No Thor, it's a television, they're not actually inside. It's just a movie."

"But the boy, he needs rescuing, he's going to drown!"

"What are you even- Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. He'll be fine."

"How do you know? Do you see the future?"

"No, I've seen the movie before."

"What it this movie?"

"A series of moving pictures."

"So the tiny people are not inside the box?"

"No. Actually, how about we don't watch this one? Let's see, erm, Jarvis?"

* * *

><p>"The man who lives inside your wall."<p>

"Jarvis. Who isn't a man."

"A woman? I am sorry Lady Jarvis, I didn't know."

"What, no, Jarvis is a guy, I mean Jarvis isn't a guy, he's a computer program."

"What is this computer you speak of? More magic?"

"It's a system which can do things for humans. It's technology again."

"You are skilled with magic on Midgard."

"Not actually- Fine. Thanks."

* * *

><p>"Friend Stark, this creature is leaking. Eye of Hawk touched it and it must be hurt."<p>

"It's a tap Thor. It's supposed to give out water. That's it's job. Do you not even have taps?"

"A mysterious creature indeed. What do you feed it?"

"Nothing, it doesn't need feeding."

"Ah, a plant. I see. Do you grow many?"

"No, it's not- Yes. Yes, there are whole buildings who just grow taps."

* * *

><p>"I can't do it. Ms Foster clearly hasn't explained Earth culture to him. I can't do it Bruce."<p>

"Give him a break, he is an alien."

"He thought the tap was a plant."

"Well, explain it to him then."

"I'm trying, but he just assumes everything is magic or alive, I can't keep doing it. You explain something for once. I had to turn off Charlie and the Chocolate Factory."

"Why?"

"He thought there were actual people trapped in the set. IMagine if he saw that bit and decided to try and break them out."

"Fair enough. It's getting late, Pepper will kill you if you don't sleep."

"Fine, I'm going."

* * *

><p>Tony woke up early that morning and decided to head downstairs to make a coffee. The tower kind of smelt like toast, but it must have been his imagination. Six, no one was up at six, were they?<p>

Clearly someone was, because he heard laughing through the door..Two people talking about, er, Doctor Who? Clint then. Maybe Natasha? No, that was a male voice. Not Bruce, Bruce would be down in the lab if he was up, Clint would probably go and throw cereal at him later. Steve maybe?

Clint was sat at the table with a coffee.

"Look who's awake. You're early. Normally no one's up for another half hour at least yet. You're not up for another three."

"How do get up so early?"

"I've been getting up for the crack of dawn since I was a kid. I always do."

"Well, good for you. Hi Ste- Thor?"

"Think we've been rumbled Thor."

"Are you using the toaster?"

"Indeed. It's a wonderful invention, isn't it?"

"You can use the toaster."

"Yes."

"You knew the whole time, didn't you."

"Um, yes."

"You completely understand technology."

"Asgard is more advanced than you in some areas. And I spent a few days with Jane in New Mexico, and then again in London."

"Right. I'm going to get a coffee and then go to my workshop."

"Would you care for some toast?"

* * *

><p><em>Based off: Thor spent the first six months in Avengers Tower having to have Midgardian references explained to him, help using the technology and so on. Everyone kept telling Tony to be patient with him, he was an alien after all, and he didn't work out anything was up until he went to the kitchen at six in the morning to find Thor making toast and discussing the latest episode of Doctor Who with Clint over a cup of coffee. Which is why Thor is in the lead for the 'who can mess with Tony the most' award. (Bland Marvel Headcanons)<em>


	10. FitzSimmons & a Muppets Christmas Carol

I just don't see the point in it Fitz. What's it accomplishing?"

"Erm, everyone being happy and nice to each other? Also food. There's lots of food. They're having a lunch, everyone from Ops, Communications and Sci-Tech is going. Every agent in the Academies who haven't gone home anyway. It means I can sleep past six and there's no competitions or anything, just people being nice."

"All it does is mean we have one day less in the lab. We could be making scientific breakthroughs, instead we have to spend money and spend time with family, or in this case trainee SHIELD agents, and why?"

"You're such a grumpypuss Simmons. Did you not enjoy Christmas when you were little?"

"Well, yes, but that's when I was a child who didn't know better, why do we still have to get all crazy about Christmas now?"

"Scrooge."

"I enjoy Dickens as much as the next person Fitz, but I still don't see why I can't just go to the lab anyway."

"Grumpy old Scrooge. No one likes a Scrooge Simmons. We'll have to get you a hat."

"I'm not wearing a hat."

Simmons prepared herself for a day of theoretical science and doing all her set work on the 25th December, a boring day where she could go and prove things with experiments.

Instead Fitz turned up on her doorstep at seven o'clock in the evening on the 24th December and barged his way in.

"Right you, we're watching Muppet's Christmas Carol."

"Fitz, I told you, I don't care for all this fuss."

"You don't have a choice Simmons, you're watching it."

"I read the book, isn't that enough?"

"Simmons, this is not just another retelling of Charles Dickens's book. This is the Muppets version. This is a Christmas masterpiece. Christmas does not begin until you have watched Muppets Christmas Carol."

"Fine, you can put it on, but I still don't see the point."

"Spoilsport."

Fitz caught Simmons giving a little smile at the end.

It was followed by "It's a Wonderful Life" (and Fitz might or might not have cried), "Miracle on 34th Street" then (much to Simmons's protests) Fitz put Muppets on again, then "The Santa Clause" (which involved Fitz not so subtly coughing out "Father Christmas" every time they referred to him as Santa) by which point Simmons had completely forgotten about the science. That film played all the way through the credits and it was at this point Simmons realised it was two in the morning and Fitz was asleep on her floor. Snoring.

Fitz's first thought upon waking up was lunch.

"We didn't miss it, did we Simmons? oh, why am I asking you, you're a grumpuss Scrooge."

"Fitz, it's only ten."

"But I didn't put the turkey in yet. Simmons, I was supposed to get up at six and put the turkey in."

"You said SHIELD were having a dinner."

"Oh thank goodness, I didn't miss the turkey."

"No Fitz, you didn't miss the turkey."

"So, we've got three hours. Oh yeah, you're a Scrooge. Nevermind, I'll find someone else to watch Muppets with."

"You watched it twice last night."

"And I have to watch it again."

"Go on then."

"Really?"

"Really."

"A Christmas Carol. Perfect way to unScroogify anyone. Especially with Muppets."

"Just stick the film on."

* * *

><p><em>Based off: <em>

_Anonymous asked:_

_Simmons is the grumpy scrooge because, ergh, why do they have to close her lab for a day? So Fitz turns up with millions of films and makes her watch Muppet's Christmas Carol at least three times._

_fitzsimmonsinthetardis:_

_Ugh I need this now. Can somebody write this! Please_


	11. The British Bonding Day

"Where's Hunter?" Bobbi asked. Skye gave her a look. "So I can avoid him."

"Haven't seen him all day. Come to think of it, I haven't seen Simmons either."

"Has anyone seen Fitz?" Trip asked.

"He took the day off," Coulson said. "As did Hunter and Simmons."

"Maybe he's trying to get them to Fitzsimmons again," Skye suggested.

"Hunter?" Bobbi asked. "Anything's possible I suppose. But didn't he say something about a match?"

* * *

><p>"Come on England!" Hunter cheered, Simmons clapping to his left and Fitz sulking to his right.<p>

"It was fluke."

"Cheer up Fitz."

"Oh sure, you take me to my first game in years, but you drag me to the England side and they score and you tell me to cheer up and- go on there Scotland!"

"It's just a friendly," Hunter said. "It's not important."

"It is if Scotland win."

Scotland lost.

* * *

><p>"Can you find the, um, um, Marmite? Also Iron Bru."<p>

"That's really bad for you," Simmons said.

"I don't care."

"You dragged us to Tesco, Simmons?" Hunter said. "Why? It's just grocery shopping, it's so- Jam doughnuts on special offer, couple of bags Fitz."

"Chocolate biscuits, those too," Simmons said. "Grab a couple Fitz?"

"Borbons?"

"Of course."

* * *

><p>"Doctor Who reruns!"<p>

"Simmons, we've seen this one-"

"A million times?"

"Exactly."

"So let's make it a million and one."

"Er, no," Hunter said, seeing the title card. "I'm not watching that one, you turn it off right now Simmons."

They all cried.

Even Hunter.

_Especially _Hunter.

* * *

><p>"Six o'clock, you know what that means?"<p>

"Dinner?"

"No Fitz, the news."

"It's the same everywhere," Hunter said.

"Except it's the BBC. And therefore, better."

"If they flipping bring up Scotland losing…"

* * *

><p>"You know what next," Hunter said. "Eight o'clock Friday night."<p>

"First round's on you," Simmons said.

"Oh no, I really, er, I really don't, I don't think that's a good idea," Fitz said.

"Come on mate, one pint," Hunter said. "You need to drown your sorrows."

"Bloody England."

"That's the spirit."

"No, that would be whiskey," Simmons giggled.

* * *

><p>"Fitz?" Coulson asked, picking up his phone.<p>

"Hi Dad, love to Mum, can you come and pick us up please, we're a wee bit drunk."

"Fitz, one, I'm not your dad, two, it's only ten pm. Are you all lightweights?"

"No, no, I don't think it is. Simmons, wait for me!"

The connection cut out.

"We need to pick up Fitz," Coulson said after he found May. "He sends you love. And he called you Mum."

"It's ten, how is he that drunk already?"

"Fitz is drunk?" Skye asked. "Can we come? I want to see Fitz drunk. Is he going to be grounded Mum? Did he call you Dad, Coulson?"

"That's classified," Coulson said. "And yes, you can come."

"Drunk by ten, lightweights."

"It's three over there," Bobbi said. "In the morning."

* * *

><p>"My head." Hunter banged it down on the table. "Is killing me."<p>

"Well that's not likely to help," Skye said. "It's your own fault."

"Simmons has got an iron stomach. Nine pints last night Skye. Nine. And she-"

"Fell asleep with you in a ditch?"

"That, oh that's tradition, come back from the pub and sleep in a ditch, or a hedge, that's normal. No she, bloody hell my head, I'll just show you the pictures."

"What?"

"I've got pictures."

"Of what?" Trip asked, walking into the kitchen. "How are you not dead?"

"I was SAS, I can handle Fitz, however pissed he is. From alcohol or Scotland losing."

"How much did you drink?"

"Only seven pints. Same as Fitz."

"Damn. Pictures?"

"Yeah."

Hunter scrolled through and they looked at the images of a grumpy Fitz watching football, plenty of food, one Simmons must clearly stolen his phone for as it showed Hunter and Fitz sitting down, bawling their eyes out at Donna's fate, until they reached the video.

"I'm not sure I can-"

"Woops, sorry Hunter, didn't see you there, what's this?" Bobbi snatched up his phone and pressed play.

_"Hi there. I'm physics, you're biology, what say we go and start some chemistry?" _Video-Fitz said, clearly drunk.

_"I'm a biochemist, not a biologist. If that's the best you can do, insult me…"_

_"Come on Simmons, you lump of copper telluride."_

_"That's what you're going for."_

_"Yeah, you know, because you're CuTe."_

_"You're such a flirt. And kind of hot."_

_"Baby, you're so hot you denature my enzymes."_

And then they were on top of each other.

"Yeah, and Fitz and Simmons might have made out a little bit," Hunter said.

"A little bit?" Skye asked.

"You know, just like half an hour snogging."

"We did what?" Simmons asked as her and Fitz entered the room. "Fitz?"

"Don't look at me, Hunter said I had to drown my sorrows."

"Er, Simmons?" Skye asked. "Care to explain this? There's pictures too."

"Lance Hunter, I'm going to kill you."

"I'll, er, I'll help," Fitz said. "Or maybe just watch. What video?"

"This one." Skye handed him the phone as hungover Hunter ran away from Simmons.

* * *

><p><em>Based off:<em>

_Anonymous asked:_

_Hunter grabs Simmons and Fitz and pulls them off to have a British day. They go to the football, to Tesco, to watch Doctor Who and the BBC News at Six, and finally they end up in a pub. Coulson gets a phone call at 3 in the morning. "Hi Dad, love to Mum, can you come pick us up please, we're a wee bit drunk." They arrive to find the 3 of them in a ditch asleep and photos on Hunter's phone of FitzSimmons making out and videos of Fitz coming up with bad science pick up lines. After that who knows?_

_agents-of-frickle-frackle:_

_dear marvel, pls give me british team bonding ok thanks bye~_


	12. Hunting the Birds

"Are you watching old re-runs of _Springwatch _again? Hunter, these are like ten years old. It's not even spring."

"Shush Bobbi. Look at him."

"Oh right, I forgot your man crush on Bill Oddie."

"It's not like that. I was talking about the bird. A beautiful kestrel. I wish I could see a kestrel."

"You're still fascinated by bird watching. Last time we went you held the binoculars the wrong way round and walked off a bridge into a river. You almost drowned."

"We don't talk about almost drowning when FitzSimmons are around Bobbi. And that's a large exaggeration. I am a perfectly capable swimmer, you did not need to jump in after me."

"Whatever. Point stands. Hunter, you are the worst bird watcher I have ever had the misfortune of meeting. Bill Oddie himself couldn't help you."

"How could you say such a thing? I'll prove you wrong Bobbi. I'll prove you all wrong."

"You're such a drama queen."

Hunter spun around and left, stalking out the room. Bobbi almost thought she heard sobs.

* * *

><p>"Hello. If that's Stark, no I don't want you to upgrade my bow. If that's Natasha, I was busy and yes it was important. If it's Loki, get over here so I can-"<p>

"Clint, it's me."

"Bobbi. What's up?"

"I upset Hunter."

"He's still crying about you and him?"

"No, stuff happened. I told him he was a terrible bird watcher."

"He is. Didn't he break his hide and scare them all away? That's just fact. The only thing that could have upset him is if you brought Bill Oddie into it."

"Um…"

"Bobbi, you didn't."

"I might have."

"I know just how to fix this."

* * *

><p>"Why did you want to meet here Clint?"<p>

"Hunter bird watches Saturday mornings over there. Give it a few minutes."

A man landed next to Clint and Bobbi couldn't help but notice the wings.

"Bobbi, Sam, Sam, Bobbi. She's Mockingbird, he's Falcon."

"What are we, the bird trio?" Sam asked. "What favour did you need?"

Clint pulled out a rather large rucksack.

"I have a plan."

* * *

><p>Hunter sat miserably, not expecting to see anything. He never did. Maybe Bobbi was right. Maybe he should just give up.<p>

An eagle flew across in front of him. It was just within sight without his binoculars.

Birds kept flying. All the birds Hunter had ever heard of. Hawks, hummingbirds, falcons, kestrels, tits, wrens, robins, flamingoes, gannets, gulls, kiwis and a penguin.

Which was probably strange seeing as most of them were birds that had been on _Springwatch._

And some of them really didn't look like birds.

Hunter lifted his binoculars to his eyes, but before he could do anything a call came in from Coulson.

* * *

><p>Bobbi was annoyed. Skye had picked her up before she could get the thing off, so now she was fighting HYDRA agents dressed as a penguin.<p>

At least Clint and Sam had been dragged down too, dressed as a flamingo and robin respectively, but they just kept making jokes about Sam looking for Batman.

Everyone raised their eyes when they arrived back at base, Fitz collapsing onto the floor with laughter.

Even May struggled to hide a chuckle.

Hunter was the last in and grabbed a camera, taking a picture of the three of them.

"The three of you spent that time flying for me?"

"When did you work out we weren't real birds?"

"When you had the same flight pattern and half the birds you found are little things and some aren't native to America. Kiwis and penguins can't even fly."

"Well don't look at me, I'm not a bird expert, I don't know why you expected me to know what I was doing Bobbi," Clint protested. "I only know the ones from when Hunter made me watch his bird programmes with him.

"It doesn't matter," Hunter said. "I'm not even that good at it. Once, I broke a telescope trying to focus it on a Peregrine Falcon. Thanks anyway."

"You caught three birds though," Bobbi said. "A Falcon, a Mockingbird and a Hawk. Eye. Hawkeye. Same thing. Call it a hawk anyway."

"I know a great bird watching spot," Sam said. "You can't not see birds, it is literally impossible. We could go."

"This will be worth it for the disaster," Bobbi said.

His camera broke, but he blamed Bobbi for that, she was the one who dropped it.

So he couldn't prove it, but Hunter reckoned he saw at least ten different bird species.

Today was a good day.

* * *

><p><em>Based off: <em>

_Anonymous asked:_

_Huntingbird kind of sounds like he's on a hunt for all the birds. Maybe Hunter is a really passionate bird watcher, trying to emulate his idol, Bill Oddie, but he's really bad at it. So Mockingbird asks Hawkeye what they can do to cheer Hunter up and he calls Falcon and they all dress up as birds and Sam flies them back and forth from afar to try and persuade Hunter he's actually seeing all these birds._

_agents-of-frickle-frackle:_

_that's just ridiculous enough for me to believe it oh my gOSH_


End file.
